dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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