just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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