Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
