last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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