Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You need a sexual gate keeper
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
