mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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