I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
