Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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