Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
