I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
