Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
