Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
