Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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