Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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