Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
