im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
