a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
