I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
