she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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