1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
