This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize