you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
