I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Four minutes until I can fart!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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