I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
