Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize