and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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