Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
