Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
