wanna go halves on a baby?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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