Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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