I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
