I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
