I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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