Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
