I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
