I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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