Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
