i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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