I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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