you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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