You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
