well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
