I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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