Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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