I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you had me at cake vodka
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
