Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
