My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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