if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
