imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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