Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
