Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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