as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
