i was born a porn star she said
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I FOUND THE LEGS
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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