in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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