ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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