My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
